How to Catch a Pink Elephant

Let it be known that, in this world, there are three types of elephants. There's your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, typical gray elephant. Doesn't matter if he's African or Asian, one tusk or two, he's still a gray elephant. And that there's the first kind. There's also another kind, the blue elephant. Ain't very many folks has seen a blue elephant, and that's a surprise. Ya see, anybody can catch a blue elephant. They don't run, they don't squeal, they just stand there and look blue. And that's the second type. And then there's the third type. That's the pink elephant. Now there's lotsa people who's said they've seen a pink elephant, but there ain't that many people that really have. Them's the rarest, and they hide deep within the jungles, farther in than even the elusive blue elephant. And nobody, nobody has ever caught a pink elephant. 'Cept me. And I'm gonna tell you how.

Ya see, the trick is knowing their secrets. Everybody knows gray elephants like peanuts. Well, pink elephants are just as nuts about raisins, only worse. When a pink elephant finds himself a raisin, he just goes nuts with joy. Ain't nothing happier than a pink elephant eating a raisin, 'cept a pink elephant eating a bunch of raisins. So the first trick to catching a pink elephant is to make yourself a raisin pie, only you put just three raisins in it. Just three. Make up that pretty little pie, and once it's done, don't worry about letting it cool. Just run down outta your house, jump in a row boat, row across the ocean to Africa, hop outta the boat, up on the shore. Then you go through gray elephant territory, then blue elephant territory, but you don't stop there, 'cause anybody can catch a blue elephant. You go through blue elephant territory until you get to pink elephant territory. Once there, find you a great big tree (they like to walk near great big trees), put your raisin pie on one side, and go hide behind the other, and wait.

Now, eventually, one of them pink elephants will come along, happy as you please, minding his own business. Don't worry; he'll find that pie quicker than you can say deoxyribonucleic acid. He'll stop, get a funny look on his face, then start sniffing the air. Once he picks up on the scent, he'll follow it sure as a heat wave in July to your raisin pie. When he finds it, he'll squeal and dance with glee, and eat that pie all up. He'll be the happiest little pink elephant every did see. And once he's done, he'll head off, happy as a flea on a dirty old dog, 'cause he got himself a raisin pie.

Now, once he's eaten that pie and run off, grab up the empty pie plate, run out of pink elephant territory, through blue elephant territory. But you don't stop there, 'cause anybody can catch a blue elephant. Run out of blue elephant territory, back through gray elephant territory, down to the shore, hop in your row boat, row back across the ocean, get out of your row boat, run back to the house and bake you a second raisin pie. Now, in this raisin pie, don't put in three raisins. Only put in two. Just two raisins. That's all you need.

Once you've made up that second pie, run down outta your house, jump in a row boat, row across the ocean, hop outta the boat, up on the shore. Then you go through gray elephant territory, then blue elephant territory, but you don't stop there, 'cause anybody can catch a blue elephant! You go through blue elephant territory until you get to pink elephant territory. Once there, find yourself that self-same tree, put your raisin pie on one side, and go hide behind the other, and wait.

Now, soon enough, that pink elephant is going to come back by there. He found himself a raisin pie, didn't he? Well, maybe he'll find himself another. And, sure enough, there's your second raisin pie. He'll be so ecstatic he'll be beside himself. Don't worry, you don't have to feed two pink elephants. He'll collect himself and go and get him a mess of that pie. He'll start chowing down on that pie... and then he'll notice there's only two raisins in it. Now, he'll think this is rather odd, since that last one had three raisins in it, but he won't get mad. He'll quaff that pie on down and go whistling on his way, happy that he got himself two raisin pies in a single day.

Now, once he's done, grab up the empty pie plate, run out of pink elephant territory, through blue elephant territory, but you don't stop there, 'cause anybody can catch a blue elephant! Run out of blue elephant territory, back through gray elephant territory, down to the shore, hop in your row boat, row back across the ocean, get out of your row boat, run back to the house and bake you a third raisin pie. Now, in this raisin pie, don't you dare put in two raisins! Only put in one. See the pattern?

Once you've made up that third raisin pie, run down outta your house, jump in a row boat, row across the ocean, hop outta the boat, up on the shore. Then you go through gray elephant territory, then blue elephant territory, but you don't stop there, 'cause anybody can catch a blue elephant! You go through blue elephant territory until you get to pink elephant territory. Once there, find yourself that very same tree, put your raisin pie on one side, and go hide behind the other, and wait.

Now, eventually, that very same elephant will come tooting along, like before. Pink elephants are very predictable about their paths, especially if there's the chance of finding a raisin pie along it. And, sure enough, there's another raisin pie! He'll hop and dance in ways you never thought that much mass could move. Now he might be a bit cautious, 'cause there was only two raisins in that last pie, but eventually his lust for raisins will overcome him, and he'll attack that pie like a wolverine in your underwear. By the time he's done with it he's gonna be a little miffed. After all, here's a wonderful raisin pie, but it's only got one raisin in it! But a raisin is a raisin, and that ol' pink elephant will still be satisfied.

Now, once he's done and gone, grab up the empty pie plate, run out of pink elephant territory, through blue elephant territory, but you don't stop there, 'cause anybody can catch a blue elephant! Run out of blue elephant territory, back through gray elephant territory, down to the shore, hop in your row boat, row back across the ocean, get out of your row boat, run back to the house and bake you another, final raisin pie. And in this pie you put...? That's right, no raisins. Not a single wrinkly one.

Grab that final raisin pie, run down outta your house, jump in a row boat, row across the ocean, hop outta the boat, up on the shore. Then you go through gray elephant territory, then blue elephant territory, but you don't stop there, 'cause anybody can catch a blue elephant! You go through blue elephant territory until you get to pink elephant territory. Once there, find yourself that very same tree, put your non-raisin raisin pie on one side, and go hide behind the other, and wait.

Once again, right as rain, here he comes that big ol' pink elephant. Now, remember, he's kinda ticked off right now, having just eaten a raisin pie with only one raisin in it, but once he smells that fourth pie you made, he'll forget all about it. He'll dive over to that tree and descend on that pie like vulture on some road kill. He's a eatin', he's a eatin', he's a eatin'... and only when he's done does he realize there aren't any raisins in that raisin pie! That pink elephant will get himself hopping mad, so mad he'll turn himself blue...

... and anybody can catch a blue elephant!


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